sunny day :) lovely day. it's been two days since yesterday again. Last week was just horrible. gloomy. Well, i know that in some part of the world, people complain how hot it is there. But that's it. People here desperately want sunny day and warm weather but at the other place, the sun makes them uncomfortable. Once, a friend of mine told me that the weather will be always like that; either hot or cold, raining, windy or whatsoever. The problem is how you dress in responding whatever the situation is. It is not about the weather but how you dress properly according to the weather. In a way, I think this is could be right. Complaining the weather all the time might not be a good idea. Obviously, everybody understands what the weather like here in England. Stop complaining and mingling with whatever the weather is perhaps the best things to do. Hmm... yes indeed...

Anyway, it's lovely day, a sunny day :) Oh, if it is just like this all year long :p

Life in many cases is not as what we precisely expected to be. I think this is true. But this is only half right as well because the other half truth is that in many cases life becomes as it is because we in some ways, being aware or not, make it as it is. In most relationships, I think, this is also true. A relationship might not as what we expected to be. I come across to a thought that each of persons have their own thought or perception to what he/she might think right and why the other is not quite right. The tense becomes worse when each of them defend what he/she might think right and why the other is wrong. 

Now, the problem perhaps is that what is 'right'? To what extent things are righteous? Moreover, what the degree of being right, not right at all, quite right, not really right or perhaps just right. Deeper we go, we might question the truth itself if there is an absolute truth. 

In many cases, again, I think most people are trapped in the frame of right or wrong. Therefore, what we would do then is try to find out as best as we can why other is wrong and what constitutes, whatever it is, a righteous position. We try very hard to defend why we are right.

Anyway, i will not drive my thinking in that frame. It will be exhausted. Yet, I do believe it is not about right or wrong but how far I can manage to understand the circumstances. Every deed has its own reasons. Understanding the reasons might be the best way to make it. In my case, my relationship, I'll try my best to understand the reasons and to accept that fact. And the rest is que sera sera. But one for sure, I'm not a perfect man but I've been trying hard to perfectly nurture the relationship and if it still does not work at the end of the day, well, there must be something beyond it. I'm not saying that I believe in superstition but looking back at my life stories, I think there have been kinds of plots of life.  And that is how I become today (whatever it is). One I believe though. I do believe that as long as my will or intention is good and I work for it as much as I could and yet it still doesn't work, I believe another better one is awaiting.

getting research into public policy

I got my Coelho's The Alchemist. :) My second book in a year :) The first book is Moyo's Dead Aid. But don't get me wrong, I have got an explanation why I only have two books in a year :). And the matter is not about it anyway. The matter is I got my Coelho's The Alchemist using a gift card as a price for winning a group presentation in a summer school  GRiPPS (Getting Research in Publich Policy Summer School).

Anyway, the summer school lasted for two and half days. The idea is how to get research influence public policy making process. Then the discussion started with concept of what constitutes good research and what policy is and all its related issues. Then, it moves to design research, stakeholders mapping and drawing strategies. By and large, that's all about it. 

I think the organisation of the course is quite interesting. Instead of just being passive participants, the students were given slots (sessions) for applying the ideas into a presentation. Indeed, sometimes group working could be daunting for some reasons. But for somehow, in our group particularly, we could manage it to be an interesting excercise. I am not saying that because we won the group presentation best performance :) but indeed I felt comfortable and got some insight from the group members. 

After deciding what the topic for our group presentation, the main issue I think is the idea of how to treat a result of research in its relation with policy decision-making process.  Is it as an advocacy tool or a medium for informing decision makers? Where research ought to be placed? This is a 'hot' discussion in our early group meeting. Personally, in my view, it is a medium for advocating a particular policy. Research is not a 'neutral' entity if there is what the neutrality is. On the other hand, my colleague: Rebecca particularly, regarded that research is research in a sense that it does not belong to any side or wing (right or left wing or other political classifications or identity). Research ends for its sake. 

I disagree on this notion. Honestly. Somehow, I didn't go further to push the idea that research is only be meaningful when it is advocated to be transformed into something. And we somehow made a consensus that our research, in the context of the group presentation, does not either support existing policy or oppose against it.  Borrowing the words from some of the speakers research is "filling the gap".

By and large, the group presentation run smoothly and the positive vibe was there :)

that's the way it is. i've been keeping myself busy with an assignment about research methodology. what a daunting process however to learn all about statistics. it's not that i hesitate to learn about it, i find it interesting even. somehow, to understand basic things about the statistics and its SPSS application takes a lot efforts. it's really new for me. i like the math and the logic behind it. but the problem then is when there are a lot things to grasp and it should be carried out step by step. fortunately, there was a friend i can have a consultation about it. i had my consultation with her couple days ago and i got it better now. and now it's the time to run the statistical tests and write down the interpretation of the tests on my paper. well, basically, running the test takes only few hours if not by minutes. but understanding the concept takes time.

hopefully, my supervisor keeps supporting me as  i am little bit behind the schedule of writing my thesis, literature review precisely. i know i got a lot time to do the writing, but still, there are deadlines to meet otherwise writing 40.000 word can be a disaster. that's reality.. oh yeah, i think i have to work harder too..

conversations from BBC TWO film "Education"

Jenny: "A Burne-Jones"
Ms. Stubbs: "Do you like him?"
Jenny: "I do. Still"
Ms. Stubbs : "Still? You sound very old and wise"
Jenny: "I feel old. But not very wise."

People might make mistakes (people do, for sure) but realizing that we made mistakes takes another 'event' to realize that we did it. That's the moment when we feel old but not very wise...

3rd day and that's it.. i make it.. i quit... :)

this is my second and perhaps the last time of quit smoking.. i started smoking i guess in 2002 and it's quite a while, say 8 years or so... if i'm not mistaken, i once stopped for 6 months or so in 2009 after presidential  election. i made a bet to a friend of mine. if obama win the presidential election, i'll quit smoking.. indeed, after couple months his winning presidency election,  i quitted, although it last only 6 months, 8 or so...

a lot attempts to quit when i found i was in bad smoking habit again. the problem when i smoke is, i smoke. i mean, i am a chain smoker if you know what i mean. i just want to smoke every single time i have. that's the worse thing to be a smoker. the more i want to stop, the more i smoke..

but forget about it. the story of smoking is my past. i'm quite happy to be free... yes, i'm free... i do not hate smokers though. nope... well, it's about choice and for some, it might be good.. could be... but i just know that not in my case... i need a better health condition...  for me, quitting is a must.. and i'm free now... :)

i tried not to drink coffee either for a while.. instead, i consume just plain water and a lot fruits...

i need a break for any addictive things :) and i'll use these 1 and half year more for living better..
thanks..

and it's just a great day today not only because finding that i quit smoking but also i successfully made a call home. i really miss home. i know that what i mean home now. at least, i know now what i would like to call home.. i know it..

hso, thanks so much

2nd day and i'm quite optimistic :)

1st day of no nicotine, no caffeine, no alcohol...

keep the faith. that's how i would like to describe it. a reminder for myself to keep the faith. i have a promise to fulfill.. and i'll carry the sign wherever i go to keep reminding me about the promise i make...

hey, reading your messages, i feel subtle meanings there. lightening me up..

but i also keep not being so expressive as i wish. i just want to walk on this pathway. if heaven decides any other than expected, what shall an ordinary man like me could do. but i'll keep walking on the way until 'it' says not.. 2 years, i promise and 6 months already passed. it's quick. that's what i feel..

but the feeling is upside down. it's like a roller coaster. sometimes up, down, up, down again but i have no choice but up again.. in one hand, i sometimes think, why i torture myself for this; being away from home, under continuos pressure, and so on. the other side though, i remind myself hard how to be grateful to have time devoted only for studying as i used to dream on. i keep reminding myself that nothing's useless as long as it's being carried seriously and thoughtful. anyways, there are a lot stories i would like to tell but let me keep it for the time being..

but i just can't ignore to what i promise and i'll fulfill it. i know there are prices to pay and i will pay for that.. 

hso

I was walking to Uni, university, we quite often saying  "going to uni" instead of "going to campus" when there was a kind of holding me to take these pictures. Yes, I noticed couple days ago, that there was quite unusual seeing the flowers, whatever their names are, poor me, start to growing up.. And they grow under the big trees. It could be a coincidental but that what I notice. 

Anyways, spring is coming. That's giving hope? :) Yes, why not? At least, there will be no complaints about the weather until the coming of winter again... Also I notice that the sun is still around until 6 p.m. I mean it's still bright until 6 not like on the last months it already got dark by 4 or less than 4.. But now, it's getting better... :)

Spring brings hopes and spirit??? I'll take that notion...  :))))

spring to come

..

I think this time is the lowest curve of being here, studying here. Well, there are literally hundreds or even thousands reasons to come up justifying that. But as usual, I hesitate to explore all those reasons. It's been my belief that 'pointing that, pointing this', in many ways, is not helpful. Pointing those all reasons, unfortunately, I regard as complaints. Perhaps, some psychological studies refer that complaining, or whatever you might call it, is good. It gives you a relief perhaps. Unfortunately, again, it's been planted on my nerve system that complaining is just not helping. Or, perhaps, because I'm quite good in finding reasons for almost everything, i think i'had been trained for that, avoiding complaints then might be helpful.  That's why as conscious as possible, I avoid it.

Anyways, I really miss home. Despite that I feel time is just so running fast, I do miss home. Under the sun, and all... 

I'm making a program for this March for myself; no caffeine, no nicotine, no alcohol and sort of addictive things. In 3 days more...I should give myself a break for all those. I need that..

into the wild

Alexander Supertramp :)
'I paraphrase Thoreau here',

"rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness,

give me truth"

seems like my dreams are coming to me again. something stayed there for a while until lately appear again; wandering into 'human being' whatever it means.. but i know what i mean...

..

On last April or May 2010 I guess, I visited Sri Lanka for a meeting, and I took this picture..  I think it's good.. well,,. i don't know...

...

By the way, I don't know why I don't find that staying here is so impressing as once living in Hawai'i or staying in Japan. Is it because of the weather or because of the poeple? Or is it because that staying here is not that kind of 'free' in the sense that I have to study hard which is a kind of burden.. Is it? Well, I'm doubt on that reason actually because I like studying. I do... Or is it because the way I used to study for my undergrad is different from the way I am studying here now? I don't know.. Or is it because of something else? Or perhaps, it might take some time to enjoy here and find myself 'well settled'... I don't know... 

Anyways, I love to hear British dialect although sometimes it's irritating as well.. Don't get me wrong, I mean, i love to hear that accent but sometimes i find it too much.. 

Ah, I miss my guitar.. I left it in Jakarta.. I don't play quite well but playing guitar very often makes me feel better... Hmm...  Gosh, I do hope my portable heater is coming this Monday. I've just purchased it online.. It's damn cold man.. Seriously...

Hey, i'll find my way to enjoy each moment here... :) I am sure I'll do..:)

Well.. it's been long time.. And now is 2011.. Well, it seems that my days here are a kind of non-stop working. Or perhaps, is it because I can't manage my brain? I mean, very possible what happens actually is that I'm not able to have my mind and thinking in peace. That's it, but not because of the 'things' themselves.

Anyways, I have just spent my time reading Tempo news online to find out what's going on in Indonesia. After a while, this browsing led me to a corner of the website; 'Reader Space' and I noticed the words "the cathers in the rye" mentioned there. I stopped, read and it says, more less, that the killers of famous persons, called the lone killers, like the novel of "The Cathers in the Rye"very much. I stopped for a while and then suddenly I remembered that I read this book once. Yes, it was given by a Japanese friend, Hiro. He said that after I read the book I should pass it to another person, Vicky. Indeed, the book was very impressive not only in its narration but also in the sense that its ability to 'provoke' you.. Provocative, I'd say.. And suddenly, it triggered me to write this blog again.. It's weird... Isn't it? I don't know..

Talking about the friends (more than one friend) who introduced me the novel, he, his brother and his girl friend (who is coming to visit this April) also mentioned about the movie they like so much "Into the wild" which I was only able to watch the movie in 2009 in Jakarta. Indeed, the movie was also provocative and just great..! The only thing that I couldn't find is a movie they recommended, a German movie, about some young guys, not sure if they were activist or kind of, who kidnapped a famous politician and there were strong dialogues about injustice and inequality in that movie. That's what they told me.. I never watch the movie though..

Anyways, it's 2 a.m. and it's minus 5 degree Celsius. It's cold. Despite that I'm wearing my shoes but still I feel my feet cold. Bloody cold.. But i hardly ever hear the word 'bloody' here.. It's strange. I thought that the 'bloody' word was famous expression here. Or ??? I don't know..

Anyways, there is a 10.000 word Literature Review that I am dealing with. I have to submit it in this coming mid feb. I am on my way to write it. Well, the idea is there. I downloaded many journals about the topic. It is about Fair Trade.. Fair Trade or Unfair Trade? Hmm.... Let's see... Somehow, I don't find much problem in the sense that I know clearly what things to put down. My consultation with my supervisor on last Thursday was so helpful. She's helpful I'd say. She encourages me.. Gosh, I thought that I didn't need an encouragement.. lol. I thought I was tough enough to handle things. But it turns, I think everybody needs that..

Another thing. Well, basically this is about personal thing. But I just don't want to write it here, in public. Well, this blog is public, isn't it? In the very beginning of writing this blog, i was so naive to think that it was a kind of 'private' thing until I found that some people I know comments about this blog. lol. Well, the point of what I am going to say is that in only months, say 4 months or so, there is a huge thing happens between me and someone else. That makes me come to conclusion that 'principle' is not an easy thing to keep.. I mean, it's hard to believe that a huge change could happen just in months. Not on my side though.. But let's see... Thinking about it, I try to be positive as much as I can.. I don't know... Or, perhaps this is my problem. Once I set my heart for something, it's hard for me to find that I can't make it despite the hard efforts I put it on.. Could be. That's the problem I think. I'm not that quite easy to change from one thing to another thing or to accept a condition where a thing changes so rapidly.. Particularly, when you work on it over years. However, that does not necessarily mean that I am not capable for quick adjustment either.. Hmmm....

Anyways, life is good, isn't it?

Did I mention about my visit to Switzerland on the last winter break? Nope.. Well, it was just lovely.. Thanks a million Gaby for that... Yes, that's a wonderful trip; a lot thoughts..

First Paper

Little bit relief. I handed my first paper yesterday, finally. It's late for 2 days though. But, that what I could afford so far. I was struggling to put the ideas in order, kept rethinking about it until I said to myself to just finish it and revise it later again when I get my feedback from my convenor (my lecturer), a person who is in charge with this module.

Been already one month and half studying here. Exciting and challenging. That's how I would like to describe it. It's exciting because I get the ideas of the history of buzzwords always familiar but just had no clue where they come from. The buzzwords I mean is such as modernization, neoclassical economy thought, dependency, periphery, neo liberalism, structural adjustment, development, self-sufficiency, and so on. So, I could say, I got the big pictures of all those 'jargon'. Moreover, the current thing I learn briefly is the thought of posdev (post-development). This is new for me and it astonishingly rejects all the idea of development by proposing a thought of the end of development era. Sachs (Wolfgang Sachs) in his introduction to The Development Dictionary right to the point saying "The last 40 years can be called the age of development. This epoch is coming to an end. The time is ripe to write its obituary". hohoho........ Aside from its content, the way he proposed his thought is awesome :) Shocking...Strong....and very confident...I like it... Furthermore, he said "Today, the lighthouse shows cracks and is starting to crumble. The idea of development stands like a ruin in the intellectual landscape".

Yet, another parallel shocking idea I got to know before coming here when I was writing my research proposal is Dambisa Moyo's Dead Aid. She elegantly demonstrates how Aid is actually contributing to poverty in Africa. In simple words, Aid creates poverty.

Anyways, so far, I think there should be a way out of this so called (by postdev) 'stink development'

And I handed my paper yesterday and other papers are just awaiting... Gosh, but I like it :))

autumn in birmingham