couple days ago on my way home from uni, i was thinking a lot why people live. i'm not saying that i'm sort of disoriented or kind of. but sometimes, thinking about life is something that could make confused. what in life what are we really looking for? wealthy? fame? or what? what's the purpose of life? what sort of life we actually want to live on? or aren't we just people drifting in the current of life in which we never really want it to be? lost in the middle of somewhere we never truly know about it but we are just following the crowds. does a farmer become farmer because he wants to be a farmer or because he doesn't have any option? does a man wants to be rich just because he doesn't see any other options in life? does a man become a politician just because he's just following another people? ah, stupid thinking i guess. but indeed, never that sort of thinking come accross on my mind until recently. what's the purpose of life?

last flower
i'd offer you
and your choice won't hurt anyone
but this is my last flower
i'd offer you
and let the destiny lead the way
and no regret after all
but this is my last flower
and your words are final
as this is my only last flower i offer you for the last time

i've just had a chat with indar and nelti. If indar is true, two thumbs up for her as she's been taking 13 to 14 modules for this year. still, she's quite productive to write. it must not be easy to manage things. by the way, indar is my ford fellow cohort studying at wageningen, the netherlands. 

and suddenly i was thinking of planning my next year's schedule. i mean to plan it better. previously, i was thinking to go back home. as simple as that. but seems that the plan vanished gradually. it's not that something changed in me but something out of me. i used to think that i have to go back as soon as i complete my study as i promised someone my return. but it seems that she doesn't need it. there is no faith either in me or in herself. but anyway, life shall move on, right? there are a lot to do while i'm still here. soon after this, i dont know where the current of life will lead me but i have to keep reminding me to do the best i can do. 

and the plan, travelling around europe next year, sounds not bad. backpaking. hmm.. new plan.. and new spirit.. there are three more papers i have to complete, revising the literature review and writing chapter three.   that's all. when you really want something, all the universe consipires to help you, that's what coelho said.

i finished it today. reading the alchemist. in the backyard of this house i live in. under the sun. oh, how really i wanted to read in the garden, under the sun, relaxed with comfort. and i did it today. finally. and it was great. i mean, the book is great. not few of books really fascinate me really. the explanation perhaps is either too few books i read or I'm too picky to read. only few.  i can count with fingers books that are really driving me.

but the alchemist. "when you really desire something, all the universe conspires to help you" is the message. one of the messages actually. dream, mystery of life, fate, maktub, omen, sign, desires, treasures of life, destiny, following the sound of your heart. with norah jones i'm listening to while writing this blog, i just feel melancholy. hmm.. it's between wanting something or deleting it on the list of memory. in a way, it's not such a complicated book but the messages are powerful. it gonna be on my reading list.

feeling melancholy. all of sudden, looking back and i am thinking again the meaning of 'keep in faith', 'being loyal' 'committed'. all of sudden, i am aware that months can change something, someone. the problem is i can't do that and it takes time to really get it. and norah jones stops singing. it might be time now for going to sleep as this morning i have to go to campus early. anyway, life is wonderful and can't be more grateful than what it is now..

sunny day :) lovely day. it's been two days since yesterday again. Last week was just horrible. gloomy. Well, i know that in some part of the world, people complain how hot it is there. But that's it. People here desperately want sunny day and warm weather but at the other place, the sun makes them uncomfortable. Once, a friend of mine told me that the weather will be always like that; either hot or cold, raining, windy or whatsoever. The problem is how you dress in responding whatever the situation is. It is not about the weather but how you dress properly according to the weather. In a way, I think this is could be right. Complaining the weather all the time might not be a good idea. Obviously, everybody understands what the weather like here in England. Stop complaining and mingling with whatever the weather is perhaps the best things to do. Hmm... yes indeed...

Anyway, it's lovely day, a sunny day :) Oh, if it is just like this all year long :p

Life in many cases is not as what we precisely expected to be. I think this is true. But this is only half right as well because the other half truth is that in many cases life becomes as it is because we in some ways, being aware or not, make it as it is. In most relationships, I think, this is also true. A relationship might not as what we expected to be. I come across to a thought that each of persons have their own thought or perception to what he/she might think right and why the other is not quite right. The tense becomes worse when each of them defend what he/she might think right and why the other is wrong. 

Now, the problem perhaps is that what is 'right'? To what extent things are righteous? Moreover, what the degree of being right, not right at all, quite right, not really right or perhaps just right. Deeper we go, we might question the truth itself if there is an absolute truth. 

In many cases, again, I think most people are trapped in the frame of right or wrong. Therefore, what we would do then is try to find out as best as we can why other is wrong and what constitutes, whatever it is, a righteous position. We try very hard to defend why we are right.

Anyway, i will not drive my thinking in that frame. It will be exhausted. Yet, I do believe it is not about right or wrong but how far I can manage to understand the circumstances. Every deed has its own reasons. Understanding the reasons might be the best way to make it. In my case, my relationship, I'll try my best to understand the reasons and to accept that fact. And the rest is que sera sera. But one for sure, I'm not a perfect man but I've been trying hard to perfectly nurture the relationship and if it still does not work at the end of the day, well, there must be something beyond it. I'm not saying that I believe in superstition but looking back at my life stories, I think there have been kinds of plots of life.  And that is how I become today (whatever it is). One I believe though. I do believe that as long as my will or intention is good and I work for it as much as I could and yet it still doesn't work, I believe another better one is awaiting.

getting research into public policy

I got my Coelho's The Alchemist. :) My second book in a year :) The first book is Moyo's Dead Aid. But don't get me wrong, I have got an explanation why I only have two books in a year :). And the matter is not about it anyway. The matter is I got my Coelho's The Alchemist using a gift card as a price for winning a group presentation in a summer school  GRiPPS (Getting Research in Publich Policy Summer School).

Anyway, the summer school lasted for two and half days. The idea is how to get research influence public policy making process. Then the discussion started with concept of what constitutes good research and what policy is and all its related issues. Then, it moves to design research, stakeholders mapping and drawing strategies. By and large, that's all about it. 

I think the organisation of the course is quite interesting. Instead of just being passive participants, the students were given slots (sessions) for applying the ideas into a presentation. Indeed, sometimes group working could be daunting for some reasons. But for somehow, in our group particularly, we could manage it to be an interesting excercise. I am not saying that because we won the group presentation best performance :) but indeed I felt comfortable and got some insight from the group members. 

After deciding what the topic for our group presentation, the main issue I think is the idea of how to treat a result of research in its relation with policy decision-making process.  Is it as an advocacy tool or a medium for informing decision makers? Where research ought to be placed? This is a 'hot' discussion in our early group meeting. Personally, in my view, it is a medium for advocating a particular policy. Research is not a 'neutral' entity if there is what the neutrality is. On the other hand, my colleague: Rebecca particularly, regarded that research is research in a sense that it does not belong to any side or wing (right or left wing or other political classifications or identity). Research ends for its sake. 

I disagree on this notion. Honestly. Somehow, I didn't go further to push the idea that research is only be meaningful when it is advocated to be transformed into something. And we somehow made a consensus that our research, in the context of the group presentation, does not either support existing policy or oppose against it.  Borrowing the words from some of the speakers research is "filling the gap".

By and large, the group presentation run smoothly and the positive vibe was there :)