...

hey,

i keep asking what i want to do in life. Or perhaps, the question should be 'What's really I want to do in life?' What?

well, if you ask me, i've got things to say. but when i ask to myself then the question is on and on. after these years, i just wonder if i was on the right track. On the way i've been through, i liked what i did as it connected my heart and my mind but at the same time i witnessed wrong things. And it seemed that i was just not capable of making it right. it's beyond my control, beyond my capacity to fix it. and then the question for me was 'why am i here?' 

And now it seems that i don't have right place, right time to have contemplation. It seems like i'm in it and try to avoid it but i couldn't. sticky patch.

a simple example one. i read in a newspaper of a grandma stole 3 cocoa and sentenced for a month and half. thiefs stealing millions dollars of people money are hanging around, appeared on tvs and newspapers and still fine. Isn't that insane? I mean, that is beyond basic logic as human beings. Another one, despite some success stories, many projects in the name of humanitarian purposes are wasting money. And...?? that's it. it seems things are just fine.

Look, this week i walked around and i found this. These two kids with their grandma were begging for surviving. We can see this scene everyday. i just wonder how on earth hundreds, thousands, millions families keep doing this in the middle of abundant resources to live better. what's wrong? Don't laugh at me.. i know it's just a ridiculous mind. yeah... perhaps the way i think is too simple if not naive.. because you would say 'that happens everywhere 'n every history'. 'from the ancient ages to now, they are always there'. well, yes that might be true. but why?

i don't know..

or perhaps, is it because i talked to them, tried to make friends or something.. or perhaps, i should just walk around and things would be just fine. is it? hmm... well...  i don't know.

here some

a friend of mine sharing same garden.:)

struggling for life

struggling for life

the other side of life

the other side of life

tired and space available plus free..

night

not so much though but i need to re-organize things. im just easily disrupted with all things. but life is good :), for sure..

in the middle of this hectic days, i just can't stand to write about my nephew. In him, there were just thousands memories appeared in my mind. he was born couple months ago. what a shame, i couldn't afford to come to see him. but only last sunday, i could come to see him. his father (my brother) gave him name benedict. he might be inspired by Pope Benedict XVI :). Or perhaps because my mom was converted of catholics to be protestant when she got married with my dad, so at least one of Wa'u generations has something about catholics:). So, the legacy of catholics still in my family then. lol

Anyways, benedict is sort of sun shining in my family. i never see my parents as happy as they are now. i never see my dad even if he was so happy, but he i believe, only in his heart but not showing to the world. Until, benedict comes. I came on sunday afternoon, and early in the morning before i got up even, my dad already was playing with benedict. and i showed them without their notice are playing to each other. i won't forget the moments. it was just so wonderful. it's the heaven. my parents feel 'full' of their life.

and me myself, i couldnt sleep until 2 or 3 on that night. the aura of benedict filled the house. i then remembered my late grand parents. i suddenly remembered how my grand father brought us whatever he found from garden. as he was pretty good in the water or sea, once i remembered he brought us eels or whatever fish he found in the river. or in one night, he took me along with him catching fish. he also once told me a sentence that changed my attitude to my little brother. my little brother at that time was just want to go along with me no matter where i wanted to go for playing. i didn't like it as i was not 'free'. but one moment when my little brother asked to go with me again, i said no. my grand dad was there. and then he told me "if not with you he can come along with as brother, with whom else?" and suddenly it changed me and i was okay if he'd like to come with me since then.

my grand mother was just so calm. she kept smiling at seeing me. and i liked the way every time she touched my hair, and wish all the good did of my ancestors come to me. she also often brought me fruits when she went to garden.

my childhood was just so wonderful. if i just could be back on those days. best moments of my life.
i feel what sort of being a son of my parents, a grand son of my grand parents and a son of my village.

and in benedict, i saw how my parents with full of love give to him. i saw the aura alive in my home again.

couple months before benedict born, when i was home, i found that it was not my home anymore. i didn't feel like i was at home. but now it changed. totally changed. if i just could, i would like to come home as i can. to see and to play with my little nephew.

i do like children. yes, eveywhere i go, when i meet them, i like seeing them, take a notice of them or whatever. i like children. but again, to see and to play with my own nephew is just more deep than ever. i don't know. i just think every child on earth is the place where we can see the innocence. n deep.. there are not masks, its just appeared as it is, as white paper as it could be.


my brother now also changed. no one could imagine that now he is a teacher. lol. when he was 20s n even after marriage, his life was sort of 'i dont know how to explain it' but now totally changed. if i use my logical way of thinking, i use the rational mind, i could not connect the dots. only the 'irrational' mind could explain that. benedict has an aura, something beyond logic could connect the dots.

i often use this as well, connecting things using the 'irrational mind' after failing to use my logical mind facing problems for example. i think that's why i sometimes, after all the problems that i dont see the logics behind it, i could be calm at the end. sometimes, i can't believe how simple logic could not apply for some matters. i dont know if i'm the stupid, the foolish, the stubborn or something. sometimes, when i gave all i could do, but something still missing the dots. then i use the effective way "irrational mind"

in this case, :) i mean benedict things, i use my 'irrational mind' to connect the dots as well. and i'm proud to be called 'bapa talu' 'middle father'. well, in Nias customs, when you have your nephew or niece, you have your own new name. So, not only the father, who'd be called as a 'father of benedict', for example; but also all the brothers and sisters would have a new name such as 'eldest father', 'middle father' or 'youngest father' or 'eldest mom', etc. and i'm so happy with my own nephew. :)))




my father, mom and benedict


innocent face of benedict


bennedict and my father

monitoring and evaluation

i've just submitted the term of reference of the monitoring and evaluation of ongoing project of FORNIHA. I've just interviewed them as well in order to compile our monitoring and evaluation first report. i hope i could complete this next week as other jobs; term of reference of reviewing LPAM strategic planning and reports, are awaited. I know, it's little hustle but i have to do that. Otherwise, it will keep on my mind and disturbing.

im going home tomorrow. it's been so long i dont go home. many times i plan but perhaps tomorrow the day i could come home. i want to stay there for one night. so, by monday, i'll be back here again. :)

be back from Poncan Gadang two days ago. The phone network was bad as heavy rain lasted for the last 2 days.

So now, it’s clear where FORNIHA is heading for the next 5 years. The strategic issues varied though from advocacy local government budget to the food security issue by utilizing the local foods.

Frans of Satunama facilitated the whole meeting pretty good. I learned a lot the way we completed the plan. The methodology to resulting matrix plan was more simple and friendly to apply.

I am now pretty much busy for the next meeting of LPAM for review of its strategic plan and of course the transition of LPAM leadership. I am pretty busy to complete the ToR of the meeting, the reports and things. Other things were to complete all the the requirements for the grad school. Anyway, things are just great. :)

I like taking pictures as usual and here are the pics that i took there.
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Before leaving to Poncan, in Sibolga, I met this fisherman. He was collecting his crabs from the net and then we had a chat. He then told me then by those crabs, he sent his daughter to university. Now his daughter got a job in government city as a civil servant. He was proud of his job. I could see by the way he talked to me.

poncan n strategic planning

we are in poncan gadang island right now talking about strategic plan of forniha. it's been already two days and things are seems just okay. but this place is just cool..

Poncan Island

Indonesia Independence

Rebecca said through fb, "Happy Hari Merdeka Indonesia!" hehe.., for me that sounds unique.. So, 64 years already since Indonesia independent from the colonialization. And there are a lot things to complaint. I read a lot comments abt that. It could be true. But it doesn't finishe there. This nation should have a clear vision where to go. Otherwise, we keep moving on the vicious cycle.