' '

basically, i'm little kind of nervous-unclear-in doubt. im not sure how to express it exactly. but i think i'm feeling something like i have to take an action for 'being moving'. 'being moving' to somewhere but not sure where to head. i don't know, man. in next few months, i'll be 4 years here in the island and after that, time to move. i like this island, its people, i like the 'fighting' my organization's doing, i like the way to work with people and things but at the same time i have to move. if not i'll be stuck. i need new spirit, new fresh air and ideas, new place, new sky (?).

then the question is 'what next?'

the obvious answer for this question is blur. not sure yet. yes, there are some plans but plan is plan. action and fact is one or two steps beyond plan. before you are on the 'fact' level, things are still 'on the plan'.

i do not even know exactly what the 'fact' i'm going to head. i am even little bit skeptical, pessimistic.. whats goin on in me? or is it (these four years) my 'comfort zone' and unaware that in certain point i have to really move? or is it because i know but there was not real action to be done to prepare things? do i need to be under a certain process to pump me up? to awake me up?

My goodness, after all, after these 10 years, i will write an application to have a job. man.., is this the way to move? for me, its kind of not common. or is it because i'm heading into a 'different level'. in the sense that what i'm doing now is 'another different level' or as we sometimes make a joke of it, like switching from 'locale''nationale' into 'internationale'. lol. my goodness., that will be the fact. my life will be based under contract! is it? contract! omfg.

i'm waiting for ford foundation scholarship committee for a good news to safe me. if not, well,.. ready for going back to where i was or ready to be under 'contract worker' but still i could say it for the sake of social transformation.,(?!?) ehm..
well...