Wondering and Wandering: May 2009

the interview as the last test for the ford fellowship was done. i think i passed the interview well, satisfying. i think the panelists were satisfying with my answers as well... and i'm waiting for the result. it would be announced in this coming august. i wish very much to be granted this fellowship. i do hope very much for that..

volker and nicky visited nias. they visited us in office, farmers groups and forniha as well. i'm happy with the visit. after been so long. i'd be very happy if there is a possibility to support the communities here.

earlier this month, anthony visited nias after 4 years. i was so glad. finally after four years. it was kind of token of completing the commitment together. it's been long. n we completed. for me, morally, for the commitment was accomplished. and he is still there and that's what i respect in him.

4 years in this island. a lot stories. a lot things happened here. a lot lessson learnt. in me, there is a part that wants me to stay longer. stay for more. and yes im very much thinking of wanting staying and being a farmer, a real farmer. we've been trying working with farmers for a while but still there is something that i could not get in. something i could not be in. i couldn't. i really would like to feel, to grasp, to experience the real fighting of their daily life. to survive. how to manage life day by day in their ways 'n how to get out of that circle of poverty. i was very much inspired by a story of a man, who graduated from university and instead of working for a big plantation there in sumatra-in which everybody would like to work there- he choose to return to nias and become a farmer. after years, he succeded and become a successful farmer. i met him in last 2006.

somehow, other part of me would like to move too. to 'recharge'. going for the grad school. to learn more things. at least to have capacity to reconstruct academically what i experienced and things. also, the purpose is to build network and access for bigger role in future. plus, for the regeneration of my organization leadership. i've been working here for a while and it won't be healthy if i stay longer. for leadership circulation. and i know i am on the track for this transition. from working in this island to be a student studying at campus again. i knew that i am going to go through this option for that grad school. i knew instictively that there will be a time of break to re-thinking, re-planning or re-mapping of my future. i need that too.

and this always happens, i think. when you are about to move to somewhere, you know that there were imperfect things on the last path. something you could do more, something you could make more but somehow it didn't happen.

the imperfect things that what it takes to make things perfect. is it? i don't know..

but very often i'm confused as well. apart of my high self confidence, i think, :) there is a part of me questioning of me. is it me that too ideal oriented, too outspoken, or basically out of common sense, stupid or might be not smart as others.. or am i too confident..?

i'm reading 'Poor Story' by Giles Bolton.
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