random

i need a sleeping angel

house to live in

for sale, anyone?

night and lonely

empty

oh my days,.. how i miss you yo..

going home. just before dusk.. late autumn

one of the colleges

punting to see cambridge from other side

jello? jello? jello? lol

So, it is about China. Back in 2005 when I was in a program named APLP and we had a 'lecture' somewhere in Washington DC as a part of the APLP program. I could not remember exactly the name of the building where the lecture was taken place but I still remember when the speaker made a prediction about China. He said that in the next 20 years, that will be in 2025, China will overtake US economy. I was not so convinced about the idea at that time despite the figures, facts and projection he made. Over the years, that notion is apparently to be right. One of stunning moments currently is the fact when Europe: particularly Italy and Greece, are on financial crisis and China was approached for a help but refused to bailout the countries. 

Another obvious fact is that US is heavily in debt and China is the biggest lender to the country. For sure, most of state governments have debt from foreign governments. I wonder if China does have foreign debt as well. I guess not but I suspect that China government might have domestic debt as well. Not sure. But, it's hard to deny that China has the money, become a new lender and for sure it maintains its steady economy growth.

And yet, Chinese students are sent overseas over the years and mostly, i guess, they pay themselves. As I mentioned previously here in Birmingham, international students might be predominant by Chinese students. I do not have exact figures though. But, again, particularly at Business School, once you enter the building and meet people, the scene is very much you are somewhere in China and not in England.

What's more, in terms of development discourse, particularly in Africa context, it is obvious that China's presence in the region sometimes becomes a hot issue. For some, they are welcomed and for other there is an opposition as well. 

Anyway, yesterday in Cambridge. I heard unintentionally a conversation between a lady, quite old and a young man, i guess this young man is her son. If I recall my memory right, the lady asked why there were a lot Chinese there. And the young man mentioned about the justification that the China's economy is getting better and it's not far back from their economy (Britain). Well, the point what I'm saying is there is an acknowledge that China's economy is quite good and the country is able to catch up with other developed countries.

So, generally speaking China is getting better off. Now, the question becomes more complicated when this issue is correlated with democracy as China is perceived as an undemocratic nation. For some, they would argue that China is not a democratic country, doesn't respect human rights, so on and so forth. As a communist country, China becomes simply a bad example when it comes to democracy and human right. For others, however, despite not being clearly defend China,  they might argue somewhere in between, while pointing out particular circumstances, they say that democracy is a process and not something imposed over. Yesterday, somehow, reading an article about Russia in an article of New Internationalist also suggests that the result of Perestroika leading the break-up of Soviet Union has not been satisfying. Not to mention back home, Indonesia, how we experience drawback of what we perceive as a democracy. I am not implying that detaining people due to his/her political opinions is a right thing or agree on whatsoever forms of human right oppression but the point I try to make is naively accepting or rejecting an idea or concept without seriously taking a look on its own complexity might not a good step to be made.

Drawing the line, somehow, I think the concept of democracy might need a new conceptualisation as the facts suggest that almost all democratic nations become bankrupt. Attached with it, free market: neolib and capitalism might need to be re-considered instead of taking them for granted. But, that's just my two-cents. Yes indeed, just my two-cents...

the old man and his guitar

protesting chinese communist party

a college of cambridge (forgot the name)

visiting cambridge

I visited Cambridge today in a one-day tour for international students arranged by EISU, a division of English Dept. After more than a year here, I finally wanted and visited the university. As usual, most of the students are Asians and the others are Europeans.  When I say Asia, that means Chinese students and European here refers to students from continent Europe . Every tour has been predominant by Chinese students and obviously they share a large part if not the largest of international students.

Anyway, the tour was nice. I tried to avoid any googling about Cambridge prior to the tour. I rather to find out whatever I found than to have a particular plan what to visit and what to do. I was curious about the canal, somehow. I thought that the whole University circled by a river but in fact it's not but a large part. I was about to enter some of the colleges when suddenly it came to me that  hanging around might be a good idea. If I really want to know about the story and history of the buildings and so on, I can find it from many sources. But to find out the story out of the text, that's the moment i thought. So, my first stop is a small market selling handicraft and art stuffs. It's a quite small open place though. I bought my first cup fair trade coffee of the day there and then walked around.


Second stop is in front of a church listening to a street singer. He's old and her voice is louder than his guitar, i guess. I noticed that he repeated a same song twice. I heard four of his songs. While listening to him, I observed people around :) I do really like to observe how people behave and act. Some young people were busy offering punting service and visitors taking photos regardless the right spot for a good light, or whatever but yes that's cool. Then, a group of Chinese putting their banner in a right place where people around can see them clearly and their message. Their message is clear: to dissolve a single party, Chinese Communist Party. I noticed that this is quite surprising if not shocking to Chinese students visiting the place. And if this banner took place in China, for sure, the protesters would disappear immediately by Chinese authority. But, they do that in England, so that's quite safe. Concerning about China, there are just a lot dots appeared in my head on the way home. But hopefully, I can write about it tomorrow.

Thinking of doing PhD. If the question is why I would do that, well to be honest doing this M.Phil now is quite interesting and in a way I find that doing research is quite challenging. I learn a lot. I do. It's not easy but worth it.

I begin to enjoy intellectual debates, and come to realisation that maybe just maybe if I have better knowledge I might be able to bring any good impact however small it is for farmers particularly when it comes to policy decision making or any decision considering their interest. If, say spending another three years, could make difference later in life why not to take the chance. Spending three years doing projects or say working for instance could also make a difference. However, the dimension might be not quite same. Let's be very sceptical, I won't change the world but at least can do something good to just a person, that would be enough. What else to do in life? At the very least, call it as a paying back. Paying back to people who once do good thing in my life. That's a thought lately.

 
Last year, the thought to pursue PhD was not as stronger as now. I don't know. Last year was like, try to illustrate it as a soldier gets into a battle field without proper preparation on that particular field, continuously given shots and the only thing could be done is defending one self and trying to escape. lol. I feel better now though. Well, not to mention get used to all British things; weather, language and cultural barrier, academic life, people, so on and so forth. Another critical factor, i guess is the idea to come home as soon as possible occupying my thought. Nothing's wrong with that but seems it fades away. It's not that I don't want to, but it's something beyond my power and thought. Well, I'll be back home for sure anyway, next year and try to find any activity (job if you like) to work with cocoa farmers and then do the PhD. That's the Plan A. Plan B? working :)

mid wales

actually, last weekend, i went to cefn lea park, newtown, mid wales. i went with a group, global community. we were all 21 persons. it was fantastic, getting close with big family of the group and supporting each other. i'd say the experience was a step for my growing spirituality. indeed from that 'weekend away' i guess there is a kind of a 'call' if you'd like for a new spirituality. been so long, i avoided such thing. 

and it was a beautiful place, indeed. i always like the country side settings. although i was not able to do tracking on the top of the hilly side but perhaps next summer will be if it's organised again. i was not able to see the city around the conference park somehow. but again, overall, i'd say it's a wonderful experience.

| view from the cefn lea park, mid wales |
click the picture to enlarge

on the way to university

at selly park oak, birmingham, england

officially 35 years, yesterday. heh, and here i am. well, i'm not a type of celebrating b'day somehow. i don't mind partying or whatever celebration for anybody else but not for me. i dunno. i feel awkward to do that for me. let me find out what in my state of mind avoiding such thing. i guess, when i was kid, we didn't use to celebrate it but perhaps doing small things such as receiving a small gift from parents or having a special food on that day. i think. i'm not sure. recalling my memory on it, it's hardly to find out any occasion where people celebrate my and others' b'days. i guess... i might miss any memory of mine about it but so far i can't remember any occasion associated with that thing. when i grew up, i remembered an occasion when my high school classmates celebrated my b'day which was wrong on date. i think i gave them wrong date, intentionally, of my b'day and thought they would forget it in one or two days until it surprised me when they celebrated it on the date, wrong date unfortunately. oh no.... not sure what they wrote in the b'day card somehow. 

the other occasion was lately, like 3 or 4 years ago in office when my colleagues and some internship students in my org gave me a surprise celebrating my b'day. In this case, it is on the right date. It's easy to track your birth of date when you're in office, somehow. and other ones, when i was with my gf, i guess, but because we were in distance, so just saying happy b'day and all and that's it.. and it turns out that only my youngest bro and my last (?) gf still remember and wished me b'day yesterday. 

but anyway, i celebrate my b'day somehow. i do. i used to go out somewhere, bukit lawang i remember most, to have reflection. or staying out night and figuring out what's has been happening to me during the year. or wandering in town observing things. yesterday, i tried to walk around and taking some pics and attempted to sit on a bench, somewhere near the university. but couldn't take long as it was getting cold. 

but i like such thing avoiding people out loud singing happy b'day and so on.. anti-social behavior? lol i guess not. for me, for me, it's just a personal thing. it's same like what you believe, how much you earn or any private things and you don't have to necessarily say it out loud. i don't know how i come across such thinking but i'm very happy to do that. can't be more happy :)

anyway, looking back, sort of reflection if you'd like, i guess my life is quite okay. what i mean is i do not regret for anything i should have done or got, i guess. i'm not saying either that my life is perfect but at least i'd say i'm satisfied what i'm now, whatever it is. this year, somehow, i'm on my year studying, something that i longed for so long since my undergrad graduation day. i couldn't figure out how i'd be able to have another education, postgrad, at that time. oh, i once thought working abroad and then do the postgrad. unfortunately, that didn't lead me on that way. but it turned out that i worked for non-governmental org or NGO in which i liked it so much not only for i consider that at least i spend my life for someone else, but also in that field did  i find freedom of creativity and thinking, if you'd like. and that's how it leads me here. activism if you'd like brings me here. well..that's what i think.

if the question now is what to do in future? hmm... it's not that i don't have things in mind as i always have. but, i'm supposedly to come back home after the two years spending studying here. that was the initial plan. but, in the middle of the first year of being here, things seem changed. not to blame on anybody else as i don't have to and it's not a good thing to do, and perhaps it's my mistake as well why the plan changed, but i guess life sometimes is surprising. so, here i am que sera, sera.

next december, i'm going to have a presentation on my research and soon after i complete it, i will reward me an ear piercing.. that's no a bad reward for one self for b'day and my study, right? actually, i want to have a tattoo, but i'm still thinking abt it.

october. mid october precisely. and news, not in the mainstream ones, talking about revolution. and i'd like to say that occupy wall street gets important attention, yet experienced blackout from mainstream media particularly in comparison with the street movement of arab spring.

anyway, the message is clear i suppose. there must be a middle way; neither capitalism in which greediness takes its rightousness nor communism in which freedom is oppressed. and there is a cry for socialism as well. well, only time decides what the right way is. but i suppose people fed up with the dominant system where 1 percent of the whole population controls the rest is not fair for sure. the problem is how not perpetuate this inequality and injustice.

and the surpising thing is in terms of development discourse, the debate on the role of multi-national corporations and its impacts either a positive distribution to economic growth in which tackle poverty and injustice or perpetuation of the inequality is quite limited. that what i felt last year when i try to articulate myself on this issue. i just wonder at that time how mnc was not much discussed. well,...

by the way, i've been trying hard not to complain about the weather here whatever it would be but trying to enjoy it in different ways.

and october, i have few weeks more and more about my work about Fair Trade before conducting field work in the next january in ghana.

a year in england already

a year in england already. yes, it is. it's very quick, that's what i feel. time just flies away. from what i've been under through, there are a lot new things i newly perceived as new lessons and yet a lot still to be learnt and done. 

in terms of knowledge and skills, i suppose, it helped me to construct what i experienced and see things from different point of views. say an example of 'development' itself which is perceived differently from one theory to another, from one view to another. how development perceived, as a consequence, then has something to do with the way it is implemented accordingly. the other interesting thing i'd so glad to find is how certain concepts; poverty, participatory and so on, are contested, confirmed or considered to be nullified. academic debates in one or other forms are quite interesting. i said 'quite interesting' as some say that the academic environment,  in a certain point, lead to an 'invention of idea' or else to ambiquity or grey area if you like to say so. indeed, it's not as an affirmed position as those who are driven by a 'single' view. 

in term of research skills, i think i'm quite satisfied the way i understand it; in terms of its nature, design and methodology. and for the second year of my study will be spent on this matter. i'd like to see the impacts of fair trade movement on cocoa farmers. fair trade is perceived differently as well. for those who advocate it, it's a part of just trade movement and some consider it as an ethical issue. And for others, it's considered as merely a new way for earning profit.

anyway, a year in england and the summer is too soon. a half way to go more and then, let the life decide whatever it brings on.

a lot things happened these days. riots in england, a bit travel to brighton and all. riots. there were many explanations about it. some said it has something to do with poverty, recent financial crisis and others regarded the riots as purely crimes. well, there are a lot analysis about it. one for sure, i guess, economy downturn has its contribution and the government huge spending cuts easily trigger the anger.

i was in brighton when it broke in birmingham. when i returned i could feel the air. when i passed the places looted in the city center, i could feel the air of people were more suspicious with others. i didn't feel good vibe there. but i guess, despite the harsh response of government, the similar occurances might happen in future again. the root of problem, if i'm right, that is the economic problem is not properly addressed, it might happen in one or other forms. i noticed that when students protested the education spending cuts few months ago in london, the vandalism couldn't be avoided. and now, it seems that problem is a protest to a police action toward a young guy shot dead in london. but it widely spread to issue such as anti-immigrant sentiment. 

the other side of this country, however, in brighton especially there was a peaceful pride parade which is basically expression of gay and lesbian festival on the street. 

one night in london before coming back here meeting my ford fellows and it was lovely.

and i have been attempting to complete my papers which is due to on this 22nd august. hopefully, i can complete them hopefully... 

couple days ago on my way home from uni, i was thinking a lot why people live. i'm not saying that i'm sort of disoriented or kind of. but sometimes, thinking about life is something that could make confused. what in life what are we really looking for? wealthy? fame? or what? what's the purpose of life? what sort of life we actually want to live on? or aren't we just people drifting in the current of life in which we never really want it to be? lost in the middle of somewhere we never truly know about it but we are just following the crowds. does a farmer become farmer because he wants to be a farmer or because he doesn't have any option? does a man wants to be rich just because he doesn't see any other options in life? does a man become a politician just because he's just following another people? ah, stupid thinking i guess. but indeed, never that sort of thinking come accross on my mind until recently. what's the purpose of life?

last flower
i'd offer you
and your choice won't hurt anyone
but this is my last flower
i'd offer you
and let the destiny lead the way
and no regret after all
but this is my last flower
and your words are final
as this is my only last flower i offer you for the last time

i've just had a chat with indar and nelti. If indar is true, two thumbs up for her as she's been taking 13 to 14 modules for this year. still, she's quite productive to write. it must not be easy to manage things. by the way, indar is my ford fellow cohort studying at wageningen, the netherlands. 

and suddenly i was thinking of planning my next year's schedule. i mean to plan it better. previously, i was thinking to go back home. as simple as that. but seems that the plan vanished gradually. it's not that something changed in me but something out of me. i used to think that i have to go back as soon as i complete my study as i promised someone my return. but it seems that she doesn't need it. there is no faith either in me or in herself. but anyway, life shall move on, right? there are a lot to do while i'm still here. soon after this, i dont know where the current of life will lead me but i have to keep reminding me to do the best i can do. 

and the plan, travelling around europe next year, sounds not bad. backpaking. hmm.. new plan.. and new spirit.. there are three more papers i have to complete, revising the literature review and writing chapter three.   that's all. when you really want something, all the universe consipires to help you, that's what coelho said.

i finished it today. reading the alchemist. in the backyard of this house i live in. under the sun. oh, how really i wanted to read in the garden, under the sun, relaxed with comfort. and i did it today. finally. and it was great. i mean, the book is great. not few of books really fascinate me really. the explanation perhaps is either too few books i read or I'm too picky to read. only few.  i can count with fingers books that are really driving me.

but the alchemist. "when you really desire something, all the universe conspires to help you" is the message. one of the messages actually. dream, mystery of life, fate, maktub, omen, sign, desires, treasures of life, destiny, following the sound of your heart. with norah jones i'm listening to while writing this blog, i just feel melancholy. hmm.. it's between wanting something or deleting it on the list of memory. in a way, it's not such a complicated book but the messages are powerful. it gonna be on my reading list.

feeling melancholy. all of sudden, looking back and i am thinking again the meaning of 'keep in faith', 'being loyal' 'committed'. all of sudden, i am aware that months can change something, someone. the problem is i can't do that and it takes time to really get it. and norah jones stops singing. it might be time now for going to sleep as this morning i have to go to campus early. anyway, life is wonderful and can't be more grateful than what it is now..