mid wales

actually, last weekend, i went to cefn lea park, newtown, mid wales. i went with a group, global community. we were all 21 persons. it was fantastic, getting close with big family of the group and supporting each other. i'd say the experience was a step for my growing spirituality. indeed from that 'weekend away' i guess there is a kind of a 'call' if you'd like for a new spirituality. been so long, i avoided such thing. 

and it was a beautiful place, indeed. i always like the country side settings. although i was not able to do tracking on the top of the hilly side but perhaps next summer will be if it's organised again. i was not able to see the city around the conference park somehow. but again, overall, i'd say it's a wonderful experience.

| view from the cefn lea park, mid wales |
click the picture to enlarge

on the way to university

at selly park oak, birmingham, england

officially 35 years, yesterday. heh, and here i am. well, i'm not a type of celebrating b'day somehow. i don't mind partying or whatever celebration for anybody else but not for me. i dunno. i feel awkward to do that for me. let me find out what in my state of mind avoiding such thing. i guess, when i was kid, we didn't use to celebrate it but perhaps doing small things such as receiving a small gift from parents or having a special food on that day. i think. i'm not sure. recalling my memory on it, it's hardly to find out any occasion where people celebrate my and others' b'days. i guess... i might miss any memory of mine about it but so far i can't remember any occasion associated with that thing. when i grew up, i remembered an occasion when my high school classmates celebrated my b'day which was wrong on date. i think i gave them wrong date, intentionally, of my b'day and thought they would forget it in one or two days until it surprised me when they celebrated it on the date, wrong date unfortunately. oh no.... not sure what they wrote in the b'day card somehow. 

the other occasion was lately, like 3 or 4 years ago in office when my colleagues and some internship students in my org gave me a surprise celebrating my b'day. In this case, it is on the right date. It's easy to track your birth of date when you're in office, somehow. and other ones, when i was with my gf, i guess, but because we were in distance, so just saying happy b'day and all and that's it.. and it turns out that only my youngest bro and my last (?) gf still remember and wished me b'day yesterday. 

but anyway, i celebrate my b'day somehow. i do. i used to go out somewhere, bukit lawang i remember most, to have reflection. or staying out night and figuring out what's has been happening to me during the year. or wandering in town observing things. yesterday, i tried to walk around and taking some pics and attempted to sit on a bench, somewhere near the university. but couldn't take long as it was getting cold. 

but i like such thing avoiding people out loud singing happy b'day and so on.. anti-social behavior? lol i guess not. for me, for me, it's just a personal thing. it's same like what you believe, how much you earn or any private things and you don't have to necessarily say it out loud. i don't know how i come across such thinking but i'm very happy to do that. can't be more happy :)

anyway, looking back, sort of reflection if you'd like, i guess my life is quite okay. what i mean is i do not regret for anything i should have done or got, i guess. i'm not saying either that my life is perfect but at least i'd say i'm satisfied what i'm now, whatever it is. this year, somehow, i'm on my year studying, something that i longed for so long since my undergrad graduation day. i couldn't figure out how i'd be able to have another education, postgrad, at that time. oh, i once thought working abroad and then do the postgrad. unfortunately, that didn't lead me on that way. but it turned out that i worked for non-governmental org or NGO in which i liked it so much not only for i consider that at least i spend my life for someone else, but also in that field did  i find freedom of creativity and thinking, if you'd like. and that's how it leads me here. activism if you'd like brings me here. well..that's what i think.

if the question now is what to do in future? hmm... it's not that i don't have things in mind as i always have. but, i'm supposedly to come back home after the two years spending studying here. that was the initial plan. but, in the middle of the first year of being here, things seem changed. not to blame on anybody else as i don't have to and it's not a good thing to do, and perhaps it's my mistake as well why the plan changed, but i guess life sometimes is surprising. so, here i am que sera, sera.

next december, i'm going to have a presentation on my research and soon after i complete it, i will reward me an ear piercing.. that's no a bad reward for one self for b'day and my study, right? actually, i want to have a tattoo, but i'm still thinking abt it.

october. mid october precisely. and news, not in the mainstream ones, talking about revolution. and i'd like to say that occupy wall street gets important attention, yet experienced blackout from mainstream media particularly in comparison with the street movement of arab spring.

anyway, the message is clear i suppose. there must be a middle way; neither capitalism in which greediness takes its rightousness nor communism in which freedom is oppressed. and there is a cry for socialism as well. well, only time decides what the right way is. but i suppose people fed up with the dominant system where 1 percent of the whole population controls the rest is not fair for sure. the problem is how not perpetuate this inequality and injustice.

and the surpising thing is in terms of development discourse, the debate on the role of multi-national corporations and its impacts either a positive distribution to economic growth in which tackle poverty and injustice or perpetuation of the inequality is quite limited. that what i felt last year when i try to articulate myself on this issue. i just wonder at that time how mnc was not much discussed. well,...

by the way, i've been trying hard not to complain about the weather here whatever it would be but trying to enjoy it in different ways.

and october, i have few weeks more and more about my work about Fair Trade before conducting field work in the next january in ghana.

a year in england already

a year in england already. yes, it is. it's very quick, that's what i feel. time just flies away. from what i've been under through, there are a lot new things i newly perceived as new lessons and yet a lot still to be learnt and done. 

in terms of knowledge and skills, i suppose, it helped me to construct what i experienced and see things from different point of views. say an example of 'development' itself which is perceived differently from one theory to another, from one view to another. how development perceived, as a consequence, then has something to do with the way it is implemented accordingly. the other interesting thing i'd so glad to find is how certain concepts; poverty, participatory and so on, are contested, confirmed or considered to be nullified. academic debates in one or other forms are quite interesting. i said 'quite interesting' as some say that the academic environment,  in a certain point, lead to an 'invention of idea' or else to ambiquity or grey area if you like to say so. indeed, it's not as an affirmed position as those who are driven by a 'single' view. 

in term of research skills, i think i'm quite satisfied the way i understand it; in terms of its nature, design and methodology. and for the second year of my study will be spent on this matter. i'd like to see the impacts of fair trade movement on cocoa farmers. fair trade is perceived differently as well. for those who advocate it, it's a part of just trade movement and some consider it as an ethical issue. And for others, it's considered as merely a new way for earning profit.

anyway, a year in england and the summer is too soon. a half way to go more and then, let the life decide whatever it brings on.

a lot things happened these days. riots in england, a bit travel to brighton and all. riots. there were many explanations about it. some said it has something to do with poverty, recent financial crisis and others regarded the riots as purely crimes. well, there are a lot analysis about it. one for sure, i guess, economy downturn has its contribution and the government huge spending cuts easily trigger the anger.

i was in brighton when it broke in birmingham. when i returned i could feel the air. when i passed the places looted in the city center, i could feel the air of people were more suspicious with others. i didn't feel good vibe there. but i guess, despite the harsh response of government, the similar occurances might happen in future again. the root of problem, if i'm right, that is the economic problem is not properly addressed, it might happen in one or other forms. i noticed that when students protested the education spending cuts few months ago in london, the vandalism couldn't be avoided. and now, it seems that problem is a protest to a police action toward a young guy shot dead in london. but it widely spread to issue such as anti-immigrant sentiment. 

the other side of this country, however, in brighton especially there was a peaceful pride parade which is basically expression of gay and lesbian festival on the street. 

one night in london before coming back here meeting my ford fellows and it was lovely.

and i have been attempting to complete my papers which is due to on this 22nd august. hopefully, i can complete them hopefully... 

couple days ago on my way home from uni, i was thinking a lot why people live. i'm not saying that i'm sort of disoriented or kind of. but sometimes, thinking about life is something that could make confused. what in life what are we really looking for? wealthy? fame? or what? what's the purpose of life? what sort of life we actually want to live on? or aren't we just people drifting in the current of life in which we never really want it to be? lost in the middle of somewhere we never truly know about it but we are just following the crowds. does a farmer become farmer because he wants to be a farmer or because he doesn't have any option? does a man wants to be rich just because he doesn't see any other options in life? does a man become a politician just because he's just following another people? ah, stupid thinking i guess. but indeed, never that sort of thinking come accross on my mind until recently. what's the purpose of life?

last flower
i'd offer you
and your choice won't hurt anyone
but this is my last flower
i'd offer you
and let the destiny lead the way
and no regret after all
but this is my last flower
and your words are final
as this is my only last flower i offer you for the last time

i've just had a chat with indar and nelti. If indar is true, two thumbs up for her as she's been taking 13 to 14 modules for this year. still, she's quite productive to write. it must not be easy to manage things. by the way, indar is my ford fellow cohort studying at wageningen, the netherlands. 

and suddenly i was thinking of planning my next year's schedule. i mean to plan it better. previously, i was thinking to go back home. as simple as that. but seems that the plan vanished gradually. it's not that something changed in me but something out of me. i used to think that i have to go back as soon as i complete my study as i promised someone my return. but it seems that she doesn't need it. there is no faith either in me or in herself. but anyway, life shall move on, right? there are a lot to do while i'm still here. soon after this, i dont know where the current of life will lead me but i have to keep reminding me to do the best i can do. 

and the plan, travelling around europe next year, sounds not bad. backpaking. hmm.. new plan.. and new spirit.. there are three more papers i have to complete, revising the literature review and writing chapter three.   that's all. when you really want something, all the universe consipires to help you, that's what coelho said.

i finished it today. reading the alchemist. in the backyard of this house i live in. under the sun. oh, how really i wanted to read in the garden, under the sun, relaxed with comfort. and i did it today. finally. and it was great. i mean, the book is great. not few of books really fascinate me really. the explanation perhaps is either too few books i read or I'm too picky to read. only few.  i can count with fingers books that are really driving me.

but the alchemist. "when you really desire something, all the universe conspires to help you" is the message. one of the messages actually. dream, mystery of life, fate, maktub, omen, sign, desires, treasures of life, destiny, following the sound of your heart. with norah jones i'm listening to while writing this blog, i just feel melancholy. hmm.. it's between wanting something or deleting it on the list of memory. in a way, it's not such a complicated book but the messages are powerful. it gonna be on my reading list.

feeling melancholy. all of sudden, looking back and i am thinking again the meaning of 'keep in faith', 'being loyal' 'committed'. all of sudden, i am aware that months can change something, someone. the problem is i can't do that and it takes time to really get it. and norah jones stops singing. it might be time now for going to sleep as this morning i have to go to campus early. anyway, life is wonderful and can't be more grateful than what it is now..

sunny day :) lovely day. it's been two days since yesterday again. Last week was just horrible. gloomy. Well, i know that in some part of the world, people complain how hot it is there. But that's it. People here desperately want sunny day and warm weather but at the other place, the sun makes them uncomfortable. Once, a friend of mine told me that the weather will be always like that; either hot or cold, raining, windy or whatsoever. The problem is how you dress in responding whatever the situation is. It is not about the weather but how you dress properly according to the weather. In a way, I think this is could be right. Complaining the weather all the time might not be a good idea. Obviously, everybody understands what the weather like here in England. Stop complaining and mingling with whatever the weather is perhaps the best things to do. Hmm... yes indeed...

Anyway, it's lovely day, a sunny day :) Oh, if it is just like this all year long :p

Life in many cases is not as what we precisely expected to be. I think this is true. But this is only half right as well because the other half truth is that in many cases life becomes as it is because we in some ways, being aware or not, make it as it is. In most relationships, I think, this is also true. A relationship might not as what we expected to be. I come across to a thought that each of persons have their own thought or perception to what he/she might think right and why the other is not quite right. The tense becomes worse when each of them defend what he/she might think right and why the other is wrong. 

Now, the problem perhaps is that what is 'right'? To what extent things are righteous? Moreover, what the degree of being right, not right at all, quite right, not really right or perhaps just right. Deeper we go, we might question the truth itself if there is an absolute truth. 

In many cases, again, I think most people are trapped in the frame of right or wrong. Therefore, what we would do then is try to find out as best as we can why other is wrong and what constitutes, whatever it is, a righteous position. We try very hard to defend why we are right.

Anyway, i will not drive my thinking in that frame. It will be exhausted. Yet, I do believe it is not about right or wrong but how far I can manage to understand the circumstances. Every deed has its own reasons. Understanding the reasons might be the best way to make it. In my case, my relationship, I'll try my best to understand the reasons and to accept that fact. And the rest is que sera sera. But one for sure, I'm not a perfect man but I've been trying hard to perfectly nurture the relationship and if it still does not work at the end of the day, well, there must be something beyond it. I'm not saying that I believe in superstition but looking back at my life stories, I think there have been kinds of plots of life.  And that is how I become today (whatever it is). One I believe though. I do believe that as long as my will or intention is good and I work for it as much as I could and yet it still doesn't work, I believe another better one is awaiting.

getting research into public policy

I got my Coelho's The Alchemist. :) My second book in a year :) The first book is Moyo's Dead Aid. But don't get me wrong, I have got an explanation why I only have two books in a year :). And the matter is not about it anyway. The matter is I got my Coelho's The Alchemist using a gift card as a price for winning a group presentation in a summer school  GRiPPS (Getting Research in Publich Policy Summer School).

Anyway, the summer school lasted for two and half days. The idea is how to get research influence public policy making process. Then the discussion started with concept of what constitutes good research and what policy is and all its related issues. Then, it moves to design research, stakeholders mapping and drawing strategies. By and large, that's all about it. 

I think the organisation of the course is quite interesting. Instead of just being passive participants, the students were given slots (sessions) for applying the ideas into a presentation. Indeed, sometimes group working could be daunting for some reasons. But for somehow, in our group particularly, we could manage it to be an interesting excercise. I am not saying that because we won the group presentation best performance :) but indeed I felt comfortable and got some insight from the group members. 

After deciding what the topic for our group presentation, the main issue I think is the idea of how to treat a result of research in its relation with policy decision-making process.  Is it as an advocacy tool or a medium for informing decision makers? Where research ought to be placed? This is a 'hot' discussion in our early group meeting. Personally, in my view, it is a medium for advocating a particular policy. Research is not a 'neutral' entity if there is what the neutrality is. On the other hand, my colleague: Rebecca particularly, regarded that research is research in a sense that it does not belong to any side or wing (right or left wing or other political classifications or identity). Research ends for its sake. 

I disagree on this notion. Honestly. Somehow, I didn't go further to push the idea that research is only be meaningful when it is advocated to be transformed into something. And we somehow made a consensus that our research, in the context of the group presentation, does not either support existing policy or oppose against it.  Borrowing the words from some of the speakers research is "filling the gap".

By and large, the group presentation run smoothly and the positive vibe was there :)

that's the way it is. i've been keeping myself busy with an assignment about research methodology. what a daunting process however to learn all about statistics. it's not that i hesitate to learn about it, i find it interesting even. somehow, to understand basic things about the statistics and its SPSS application takes a lot efforts. it's really new for me. i like the math and the logic behind it. but the problem then is when there are a lot things to grasp and it should be carried out step by step. fortunately, there was a friend i can have a consultation about it. i had my consultation with her couple days ago and i got it better now. and now it's the time to run the statistical tests and write down the interpretation of the tests on my paper. well, basically, running the test takes only few hours if not by minutes. but understanding the concept takes time.

hopefully, my supervisor keeps supporting me as  i am little bit behind the schedule of writing my thesis, literature review precisely. i know i got a lot time to do the writing, but still, there are deadlines to meet otherwise writing 40.000 word can be a disaster. that's reality.. oh yeah, i think i have to work harder too..

conversations from BBC TWO film "Education"

Jenny: "A Burne-Jones"
Ms. Stubbs: "Do you like him?"
Jenny: "I do. Still"
Ms. Stubbs : "Still? You sound very old and wise"
Jenny: "I feel old. But not very wise."

People might make mistakes (people do, for sure) but realizing that we made mistakes takes another 'event' to realize that we did it. That's the moment when we feel old but not very wise...

3rd day and that's it.. i make it.. i quit... :)

this is my second and perhaps the last time of quit smoking.. i started smoking i guess in 2002 and it's quite a while, say 8 years or so... if i'm not mistaken, i once stopped for 6 months or so in 2009 after presidential  election. i made a bet to a friend of mine. if obama win the presidential election, i'll quit smoking.. indeed, after couple months his winning presidency election,  i quitted, although it last only 6 months, 8 or so...

a lot attempts to quit when i found i was in bad smoking habit again. the problem when i smoke is, i smoke. i mean, i am a chain smoker if you know what i mean. i just want to smoke every single time i have. that's the worse thing to be a smoker. the more i want to stop, the more i smoke..

but forget about it. the story of smoking is my past. i'm quite happy to be free... yes, i'm free... i do not hate smokers though. nope... well, it's about choice and for some, it might be good.. could be... but i just know that not in my case... i need a better health condition...  for me, quitting is a must.. and i'm free now... :)

i tried not to drink coffee either for a while.. instead, i consume just plain water and a lot fruits...

i need a break for any addictive things :) and i'll use these 1 and half year more for living better..
thanks..

and it's just a great day today not only because finding that i quit smoking but also i successfully made a call home. i really miss home. i know that what i mean home now. at least, i know now what i would like to call home.. i know it..

hso, thanks so much

2nd day and i'm quite optimistic :)

1st day of no nicotine, no caffeine, no alcohol...