it is true when it's said you never know how precious it is until you lose it.. and unfortunately there is no and never will be a time machine in which you can go back in the past to change what's been done. that's the beauty and mystery of life. but it's fair to say that you can have a second chance as well... 

staying true and honest.

can't stop thinking about it and came across a poet of sapardi djoko damono. one of the faves. copied from internet..

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan

kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu.

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan

awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada.

  

 this is deep. it's beyond the word "sederhana" as it says.... it lies on the core essence of kayu kepada api, awan kepada hujan and then tiada.. it's about totality, if you like... ah, well...deep.. for HSO.

Returning home after more less than two years away. Exciting but also full of surprises. Meeting new people, visiting new places and gaining new insights if you like.Yes, it's not easy on the beginning, in the first weeks after arriving home but i'm very happy i can cope with that quickly and well. However, there is something missing though. indeed, feel empty. something missing.. the places i used to visit don't change much but the feeling changes a lot. and i thought we can start a new one but find out we are in distant parts of the world again. AGAIN. by the time i want to be closed with her, she's in the place where i was off. it's like reversing.

but, it won't be me if not taking it into superstitious level. i mean there is something out there to be learnt by me but couldn't see it right. and thanks to find it out soon. i came to realisation that indeed i shall change. changing to be a better one. as once said, and it is true that the autism in me can kill. can shut a relation off. i'm an autist, literally. when it comes to feeling, it's not easy to communicate it. and when i immerse myself in something, hardly can manage myself to the other thing.

but again, as i said, it won't be me if not seeing things on the bright side. perhaps i can see her in england sometime soon. yup.

again and again I can't be more thankful than to have my supervisor's feedback. I know I feel sometimes it's almost a never ending work which that's the nature of it but the way she  encourages me to do the improvement of my work (literature review) is just wonderful. Encouraging not rubbishing if you like. I know, I've been doing that for ages now but it's fair to acknowledge that the focus of the study has been changing as well. I used to think of it as 'a moving target'. On one hand, from the bright side for sure, I am happy and grateful to what I've been through. Reading a lot stuffs. But not to the level of fed up yet. Nope. I won't go there. but on the other hand it's just taking much time and a lot efforts. nevertheless (hah, i sound like a true academician now lol) it's all under control :)

a friend of mine puts a quote on her skype status, “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” T. S. Eliot. Inspiring!! indeed..

roller coaster. that's how i feel. when i am high to do my research, i'm just simply can't afford to stop thinking despite the signals of my body asking to stop it. i simply can't do it. i try to sleep but my mind keeps working even harder when i sleep. gosh, on the contrary, when i am at the lowest curve, i don't want even to take a look any letter of the papers. my feeling is like the weather, when i simply get bored (?) or curious or i don't know how to describe it, it drops to minus degree..
interestingly, those come and go within days. it's like the world price of commodities, fluctuating. lol. but, i don't want to complain. i promise me.. neve ever..

why am i blogging now....
oh, well.. time to be off..
but hey, there was a thought lately came to me saying 'what if i quit'.... oh god.. but thanks to paul, a friend of mine. he's on his last year completing his phd. he said and encouraged me to just go for phd. for another one or two years more.. hmm..that sounds interesting..

oh well,.. off now.. sleepppppp

I remember when first  time I bought my umbrella in a store at University Centre. It was summer and raining. At my surprise, I found quite annoying that it was frequently raining and it's summer. In the store, I grabbed my umbrella and while paying for that, I made my small conversation to the seller. He's a quite old man. I started my saying "It's summer, isn't it?" He looked at me and then smiled and said "Well, that's what it's said in the calender, I'm afraid". Then he continued "Welcome to England" and kept smiling.. I smiled too, of course and that small conversation cheered me up. 

Now, it's quite like spring. It's not spring. The weather is just like spring. And those of us expecting snowing this winter like last year's are quite surprising to find the weather. When I checked weather forecast, it says it's 10 degree, more less. It's bit windy and a lot raining somehow.. Anyway, sometime life is surprising. Ah, remember Forest Gump saying "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get" until you get it.

I don't go anywhere this break though. I'm very much occupied by my writing as a deadline is approaching. And I do also spend time for watching movies, somehow. I watched again John Pilger's video about Agro Power and how food is used to be a means of political, economic and military influence. That film setting was in 1970s but the message is still quite relevant now. Then, I just wonder how the 'poor countries' couldn't manage to feed their people. For some reasons, I suppose it has something to do with the corruption in a way that the 'food aid' is used by the elites of the 'poor countries' to corrupt. Secondly, sometimes it has something to do with the good willing in a way that the elites simply don't care and are occupied by efforts to maintain their power, privileges and whatever they can get rid of from their political position. In the other end, powerful country who control the world food distribution use it as a means for imposing whatever they want over the countries need it. What a perfect confluence and dying because of the hunger is what it could make. That's the point of what John is trying to convey, I think. And I think it's quite true when it is said "There is enough for everybody's need but not enough for anybody's greed".

Anyway, thank you to Yingzhen for delicious dinner. Dumpling, chicken-carrots-potatoes, and eggs-tomatoes. And for sure, all the conversations...

New year is coming and resolution, anyone? :)


 

Snow is not coming to Christmas this year

December. Time passes so soon and then in a blink it will be 2012. God, sometimes I just can't believe how times fly away. I think I keep saying this over and over. And the changes I wish for, most of them do not take place. No piercing, no gaining weight, no much progress and so on. Well, but that's not entirely true though. To be fair, the other half true is that I started to enjoy taking pictures again, there was a time I found facebooking is just wasting time and therefore I turned it off many times, my thesis is on the way and so on..

Indeed some change but others remain so. Oh yeah, another good change, I don't complain about the weather any more. I successfully switched off the negative attitude on the weather. I came to realisation that no matter how hard I complain about it, the weather won't change but remains so. And then I enjoyed the weather most of the time. Oh, but the snow is not coming this Christmas and that's fine :)

 

I sometimes if not very often feel lonely though. Yes, I do. It is not that there are not people to talk with but talking to someone who is on the same board and willing to spend time for hours just talking whatever it is, is not easy here. I have been used to shout my 'wild thinking' if you like from politics to whatever it is freely. But now, there is no much chance to do that. 

I think I cope with that by feeding my brain with some critical movies or readings. Lately, I enjoy watching John Pilger's documentary films. As usual, John has a fascinated story telling ability to explain things and yet shaking if you like. Not only due to its way to connect between 'big' thing and 'every day reality' faced by ordinary people but also the messages he wants to convey which is critical in the sense that it's quite opposite from the mainstream picture. I enjoyed reading New Internationalist as well.

No white Christmas anyway... Global warming?? Hah, that's tough to discuss now..

random

i need a sleeping angel

house to live in

for sale, anyone?

night and lonely

empty

oh my days,.. how i miss you yo..

going home. just before dusk.. late autumn

one of the colleges

punting to see cambridge from other side

jello? jello? jello? lol

So, it is about China. Back in 2005 when I was in a program named APLP and we had a 'lecture' somewhere in Washington DC as a part of the APLP program. I could not remember exactly the name of the building where the lecture was taken place but I still remember when the speaker made a prediction about China. He said that in the next 20 years, that will be in 2025, China will overtake US economy. I was not so convinced about the idea at that time despite the figures, facts and projection he made. Over the years, that notion is apparently to be right. One of stunning moments currently is the fact when Europe: particularly Italy and Greece, are on financial crisis and China was approached for a help but refused to bailout the countries. 

Another obvious fact is that US is heavily in debt and China is the biggest lender to the country. For sure, most of state governments have debt from foreign governments. I wonder if China does have foreign debt as well. I guess not but I suspect that China government might have domestic debt as well. Not sure. But, it's hard to deny that China has the money, become a new lender and for sure it maintains its steady economy growth.

And yet, Chinese students are sent overseas over the years and mostly, i guess, they pay themselves. As I mentioned previously here in Birmingham, international students might be predominant by Chinese students. I do not have exact figures though. But, again, particularly at Business School, once you enter the building and meet people, the scene is very much you are somewhere in China and not in England.

What's more, in terms of development discourse, particularly in Africa context, it is obvious that China's presence in the region sometimes becomes a hot issue. For some, they are welcomed and for other there is an opposition as well. 

Anyway, yesterday in Cambridge. I heard unintentionally a conversation between a lady, quite old and a young man, i guess this young man is her son. If I recall my memory right, the lady asked why there were a lot Chinese there. And the young man mentioned about the justification that the China's economy is getting better and it's not far back from their economy (Britain). Well, the point what I'm saying is there is an acknowledge that China's economy is quite good and the country is able to catch up with other developed countries.

So, generally speaking China is getting better off. Now, the question becomes more complicated when this issue is correlated with democracy as China is perceived as an undemocratic nation. For some, they would argue that China is not a democratic country, doesn't respect human rights, so on and so forth. As a communist country, China becomes simply a bad example when it comes to democracy and human right. For others, however, despite not being clearly defend China,  they might argue somewhere in between, while pointing out particular circumstances, they say that democracy is a process and not something imposed over. Yesterday, somehow, reading an article about Russia in an article of New Internationalist also suggests that the result of Perestroika leading the break-up of Soviet Union has not been satisfying. Not to mention back home, Indonesia, how we experience drawback of what we perceive as a democracy. I am not implying that detaining people due to his/her political opinions is a right thing or agree on whatsoever forms of human right oppression but the point I try to make is naively accepting or rejecting an idea or concept without seriously taking a look on its own complexity might not a good step to be made.

Drawing the line, somehow, I think the concept of democracy might need a new conceptualisation as the facts suggest that almost all democratic nations become bankrupt. Attached with it, free market: neolib and capitalism might need to be re-considered instead of taking them for granted. But, that's just my two-cents. Yes indeed, just my two-cents...

the old man and his guitar

protesting chinese communist party

a college of cambridge (forgot the name)

visiting cambridge

I visited Cambridge today in a one-day tour for international students arranged by EISU, a division of English Dept. After more than a year here, I finally wanted and visited the university. As usual, most of the students are Asians and the others are Europeans.  When I say Asia, that means Chinese students and European here refers to students from continent Europe . Every tour has been predominant by Chinese students and obviously they share a large part if not the largest of international students.

Anyway, the tour was nice. I tried to avoid any googling about Cambridge prior to the tour. I rather to find out whatever I found than to have a particular plan what to visit and what to do. I was curious about the canal, somehow. I thought that the whole University circled by a river but in fact it's not but a large part. I was about to enter some of the colleges when suddenly it came to me that  hanging around might be a good idea. If I really want to know about the story and history of the buildings and so on, I can find it from many sources. But to find out the story out of the text, that's the moment i thought. So, my first stop is a small market selling handicraft and art stuffs. It's a quite small open place though. I bought my first cup fair trade coffee of the day there and then walked around.


Second stop is in front of a church listening to a street singer. He's old and her voice is louder than his guitar, i guess. I noticed that he repeated a same song twice. I heard four of his songs. While listening to him, I observed people around :) I do really like to observe how people behave and act. Some young people were busy offering punting service and visitors taking photos regardless the right spot for a good light, or whatever but yes that's cool. Then, a group of Chinese putting their banner in a right place where people around can see them clearly and their message. Their message is clear: to dissolve a single party, Chinese Communist Party. I noticed that this is quite surprising if not shocking to Chinese students visiting the place. And if this banner took place in China, for sure, the protesters would disappear immediately by Chinese authority. But, they do that in England, so that's quite safe. Concerning about China, there are just a lot dots appeared in my head on the way home. But hopefully, I can write about it tomorrow.

Thinking of doing PhD. If the question is why I would do that, well to be honest doing this M.Phil now is quite interesting and in a way I find that doing research is quite challenging. I learn a lot. I do. It's not easy but worth it.

I begin to enjoy intellectual debates, and come to realisation that maybe just maybe if I have better knowledge I might be able to bring any good impact however small it is for farmers particularly when it comes to policy decision making or any decision considering their interest. If, say spending another three years, could make difference later in life why not to take the chance. Spending three years doing projects or say working for instance could also make a difference. However, the dimension might be not quite same. Let's be very sceptical, I won't change the world but at least can do something good to just a person, that would be enough. What else to do in life? At the very least, call it as a paying back. Paying back to people who once do good thing in my life. That's a thought lately.

 
Last year, the thought to pursue PhD was not as stronger as now. I don't know. Last year was like, try to illustrate it as a soldier gets into a battle field without proper preparation on that particular field, continuously given shots and the only thing could be done is defending one self and trying to escape. lol. I feel better now though. Well, not to mention get used to all British things; weather, language and cultural barrier, academic life, people, so on and so forth. Another critical factor, i guess is the idea to come home as soon as possible occupying my thought. Nothing's wrong with that but seems it fades away. It's not that I don't want to, but it's something beyond my power and thought. Well, I'll be back home for sure anyway, next year and try to find any activity (job if you like) to work with cocoa farmers and then do the PhD. That's the Plan A. Plan B? working :)

mid wales

actually, last weekend, i went to cefn lea park, newtown, mid wales. i went with a group, global community. we were all 21 persons. it was fantastic, getting close with big family of the group and supporting each other. i'd say the experience was a step for my growing spirituality. indeed from that 'weekend away' i guess there is a kind of a 'call' if you'd like for a new spirituality. been so long, i avoided such thing. 

and it was a beautiful place, indeed. i always like the country side settings. although i was not able to do tracking on the top of the hilly side but perhaps next summer will be if it's organised again. i was not able to see the city around the conference park somehow. but again, overall, i'd say it's a wonderful experience.

| view from the cefn lea park, mid wales |
click the picture to enlarge

on the way to university

at selly park oak, birmingham, england

officially 35 years, yesterday. heh, and here i am. well, i'm not a type of celebrating b'day somehow. i don't mind partying or whatever celebration for anybody else but not for me. i dunno. i feel awkward to do that for me. let me find out what in my state of mind avoiding such thing. i guess, when i was kid, we didn't use to celebrate it but perhaps doing small things such as receiving a small gift from parents or having a special food on that day. i think. i'm not sure. recalling my memory on it, it's hardly to find out any occasion where people celebrate my and others' b'days. i guess... i might miss any memory of mine about it but so far i can't remember any occasion associated with that thing. when i grew up, i remembered an occasion when my high school classmates celebrated my b'day which was wrong on date. i think i gave them wrong date, intentionally, of my b'day and thought they would forget it in one or two days until it surprised me when they celebrated it on the date, wrong date unfortunately. oh no.... not sure what they wrote in the b'day card somehow. 

the other occasion was lately, like 3 or 4 years ago in office when my colleagues and some internship students in my org gave me a surprise celebrating my b'day. In this case, it is on the right date. It's easy to track your birth of date when you're in office, somehow. and other ones, when i was with my gf, i guess, but because we were in distance, so just saying happy b'day and all and that's it.. and it turns out that only my youngest bro and my last (?) gf still remember and wished me b'day yesterday. 

but anyway, i celebrate my b'day somehow. i do. i used to go out somewhere, bukit lawang i remember most, to have reflection. or staying out night and figuring out what's has been happening to me during the year. or wandering in town observing things. yesterday, i tried to walk around and taking some pics and attempted to sit on a bench, somewhere near the university. but couldn't take long as it was getting cold. 

but i like such thing avoiding people out loud singing happy b'day and so on.. anti-social behavior? lol i guess not. for me, for me, it's just a personal thing. it's same like what you believe, how much you earn or any private things and you don't have to necessarily say it out loud. i don't know how i come across such thinking but i'm very happy to do that. can't be more happy :)

anyway, looking back, sort of reflection if you'd like, i guess my life is quite okay. what i mean is i do not regret for anything i should have done or got, i guess. i'm not saying either that my life is perfect but at least i'd say i'm satisfied what i'm now, whatever it is. this year, somehow, i'm on my year studying, something that i longed for so long since my undergrad graduation day. i couldn't figure out how i'd be able to have another education, postgrad, at that time. oh, i once thought working abroad and then do the postgrad. unfortunately, that didn't lead me on that way. but it turned out that i worked for non-governmental org or NGO in which i liked it so much not only for i consider that at least i spend my life for someone else, but also in that field did  i find freedom of creativity and thinking, if you'd like. and that's how it leads me here. activism if you'd like brings me here. well..that's what i think.

if the question now is what to do in future? hmm... it's not that i don't have things in mind as i always have. but, i'm supposedly to come back home after the two years spending studying here. that was the initial plan. but, in the middle of the first year of being here, things seem changed. not to blame on anybody else as i don't have to and it's not a good thing to do, and perhaps it's my mistake as well why the plan changed, but i guess life sometimes is surprising. so, here i am que sera, sera.

next december, i'm going to have a presentation on my research and soon after i complete it, i will reward me an ear piercing.. that's no a bad reward for one self for b'day and my study, right? actually, i want to have a tattoo, but i'm still thinking abt it.